Mormon “Hilarious” Lingo/”Hilarious” Puns

” ‘The Next America!’ “

What is the Hosanna Shout and Why Do They Do It??

Cooking, Cooking Utensils

September 18, 2018.  About Me.   I asked the owner of this dog if I could take a picture:

This dog’s name is Missy.
Missy’s owner is one of the truck drivers who were at The Kennedy Center this past Sunday, September 16, 2018 the last day of the Mormon Church of Satan’s Hamilton musical. I wanted to get a picture of Missy’s face, entire face rather than profile, which reminded me of Taoism, which is a symbol for Mormon Church of Satan’s new way, new path, new road, “new age”/new era”:
Tokyo Stock Exchange.svg

I did not think to ask Missy’s owner if her name is a shortened form of Mississippi.  I do not know if he has ever seen the movie, Mississippi Burning, the part where Mississippi businessman Townley says to a crowd, “Those federal police from the north are powerless against us if every single Anglo Saxon one of us sticks together!”
cc T-Mobile Stick together
cc Wells Fargo Together We’ll go far
cc all Mormon barristers

Notice he did not say every single white one of us, he clearly said, every single Anglo Saxon one of us, therefore not including Catholics and Jews.  And that is exactly what Hamilton musical is all about: Anglo Saxon Americans quietly silently taking back their country from everybody who cannot trace their ancestry back to England, Germany or the Scandinavian nations.

All of the truck drivers at The Kennedy Center on September 16, 2018, those whom I spoke with and those whom I did not speak with, are now plaintiffs in a legal case against Berkshire Hathaway, Accenture, Bain, Carlyle Group, Citi, Halliburton, JPMorganChase, T-Mobile, Wells Fargo, Verizon and many other corporations including and most especially, the Mormon Church of Satan.  All performers in all productions of Mormon Church of Satan’s Hamilton musical, domestic and international, are also plaintiffs.  cc all Mormon barristers

I had a brief conversation with Missy’s owner and three other truck drivers while I was waiting for theatergoers to exit The Kennedy Center after the matinee performance of the Mormon Church of Satan’s Hamilton musical, so I could make the following an important message from me announcement:

Caroline Kennedy, President, 2020, guaranteed!
Jim Turner, former congressman of Texas, Vice President, guaranteed!
Robert Kennedy, Jr., U.S. Attorney General, guaranteed!
Robert Mueller, Director, FBI, guaranteed!  A real investigation about what really happened in this nation on September 11, 2001, and what else is planned to happen in New York (and New Jersey).
Caroline Kennedy has the backing of God Almighty, she is our next president, guaranteed.

After I made the an important message from me announcement, I walked to the other entrance.  A small crowd was in front of the entrance.  I asked one of the people standing there if the woman, around whom several people were gathered and were posing for pictures, was one of the cast from the musical.  She said yes.  That’s unusual, to meet the audience in between performances, I thought to myself.   If I had common sense, I would have known that the matinee was the final performance.

When I saw a young man wearing a leaf crown or a lei or both, I cannot remember, and another man also wearing a lei and maybe also a leaf crown, I asked if they are in the musical and one man said yes; the other man is visiting from Samoa.  I did not ask him if he’s a Samoan Mormon, or if he knows Vai Sikahema, or if he’s seen the movie, Johnny Lingo.


Product Description

Aside from the scriptures, few stories in the Church are better known or better loved than the legend of Johnny Lingo. Now, for the first time on convenient DVD, you can see how Johnny’s expertise as a trader and his insight into the human heart transform the shy and awkward Mahana into a beautiful person worth much more than the eight cows he bargained with.
(Mormon Church of Satan’s Deseret Book,, emphasis added)

Allen CedricA.C.Cowlings (born June 16, 1947) is a former American football player and actor. He played in the National Football League (NFL) from 1970 to 1979 for the Buffalo Bills, Houston Oilers, Los Angeles Rams, Seattle Seahawks, and San Francisco 49ers. Cowlings was taken fifth overall in the first round by the Buffalo Bills in the 1970 NFL Draft.[1][2] Cowlings is most famous for his role in the capture of close friend O. J. Simpson on June 17, 1994, after a low-speed chase by police on Los Angeles freeways in connection to the homicide of his ex-wife Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman.

Early life

Cowlings was born on June 16, 1947, in San Francisco, and was raised in its Potrero Hill neighborhood. There, he was a member of the Superiors social club, which held meetings at the Booker T. Washington Community Center. He attended Galileo High School, where he played football. He later attended City College of San Francisco, where he also played on the football team.[3][4]

Football career

Cowlings was named an All-American defensive tackle after his senior year at the University of Southern California (USC).[5] During his senior year, the 1969 Trojan team went undefeated, and Cowlings led a powerful defensive line which was nicknamed “The Wild Bunch” after the movie of the same name.[5]

Cowlings was drafted fifth in the first round of the 1970 NFL Draft by the Buffalo Bills. He was a starter his first three years in Buffalo, but he was traded to Houston after the 1972 season. He played all 14 games for the Oilers in both 1973 and 1974, but he played just five games in 1975 for the Rams. In 1976, he became a charter member of the Seahawks, after being signed off the waiver wire when the Rams released him at the end of the pre-season. He played just one game, due to an injury he suffered while playing for the Rams in an exhibition game against the Seahawks.[5] He returned to the Rams in 1977, skipped the 1978 season, and finished his career in 1979 with the 49ers.

Acting career

Cowlings’ first film role was in the 1985 film Bubba Until It Hurts, starring Bubba Smith, followed by a recurring minor role as Coach Nabors in the HBO football sitcom 1st & Ten, which also starred Simpson [6]. Cowlings also served as a technical football advisor on the football scenes in the 1991 Tony Scott film, The Last Boy Scout.

O. J. Simpson case

Cowlings was a close friend of Nicole Brown and her ex-husband O. J. Simpson, whom he was friends with since childhood. They were teammates at Galileo High School, San Francisco City College, USC, the Buffalo Bills, and the San Francisco 49ers. Cowlings dated Simpson’s first wife Marguerite Whitley while they were attending Galileo High School and when they were having issues as a couple, Simpson stepped in as a mediator, but the discussion turned into a relationship and they would eventually marry in 1967; Cowlings was reportedly angry at the time, but their friendship prevailed.[7] They remained close friends and confidants through the years, with Cowlings being the godfather of Simpson’s son Jason and a groomsman at Simpson and Brown’s wedding in February 1985. Cowlings was also the ring bearer at mutual friends Robert and Kris Kardashian‘s wedding in July 1978.[8]

Following the murders of Nicole Brown and her friend Ronald Goldman on June 12, 1994, in which Simpson was a person of interest, Brown’s funeral took place in the St. Martin of Tours Catholic Church in Brentwood on June 16, Cowlings’ 47th birthday; Cowlings served as a gatekeeper and pallbearer at the funeral.

The next day, despite agreeing to turn himself in to the Los Angeles Police Department (LAPD), Simpson never showed up at the Parker Center station like he was supposed to. Later that day, witnesses reported seeing Simpson riding in a white Ford Bronco, a vehicle owned and being driven by Cowlings, thus becoming the object of a low-speed chase by police cruisers on the freeways. During the chase, Cowlings made a 911 call from a cell phone and claimed that Simpson was armed with a gun pointed to his own head, demanding that Cowlings drive him to Simpson’s Rockingham estate in Brentwood, or Simpson would kill himself. The slow-speed chase was televised on live TV from helicopter. It interrupted coverage of the 1994 NBA Finals, and was viewed by approximately 95 million people in the United States alone. During the chase, Cowlings famously told the police: “My name is A.C., you know who I am, God damn it!” The chase ended at Simpson’s Brentwood home, where Simpson eventually surrendered to police after a nearly hour long wait.[1][9]

Cowlings was charged with a felony for aiding a fugitive and was released approximately 12 hours after his arrest on $250,000 bail.[10] District Attorney Gil Garcetti eventually determined, however, that Cowlings would not be charged due to a lack of evidence.

During Simpson’s criminal trial, Cowlings surprised the media with a press conference held a block from the courthouse. Cowlings retained Beverly Hills public relations firm Edward Lozzi & Associates to conduct the press conference, without revealing the reason or itinerary. Lozzi introduced Cowlings and Cowlings’s attorney, Donald Re. Cowlings then announced he had created a 900 phone number for the public to ask him questions—about anything except the murder and trial. Cowlings read a one-minute prepared statement announcing the 900 number, which was simultaneously unveiled visually in the room. Reports that Cowlings realized over a million dollars from this $2-dollars-plus-a-minute 900 number could never be verified.[citation needed] Under oath in his deposition for Simpson’s civil trial, Cowlings stated that the 900 number endeavor just “broke even.”[11] This press conference was the only time Cowlings officially spoke to the media about anything related to the Simpson case.[citation needed]

Following the acquittal of Simpson in October 1995, the families of Nicole Brown and Ronald Goldman filed a civil suit against Simpson for wrongful death. Cowlings was subpoenaed and during both the deposition and trial took the Fifth Amendment when asked what he was doing between June 13, 1994, when Simpson returned from Chicago, and the freeway chase on June 17, 1994, as he could still be charged for aiding and abetting. However, he testified that he had seen Simpson throw out Brown’s clothes from their apartment during an argument in 1979 and that while he was driving Brown to a hospital on New Year’s Eve 1989, she told him Simpson hit her, which, along with Brown’s recorded 911 calls, pictures of her being bruised and similar witness testimonies that concern physical aggression on Simpson’s part against Brown, contradicted Simpson’s civil trial testimony that he had never been abusive during their marriage.[12] Simpson was found liable for both deaths in February 1997.

Personal life

Cowlings is a member of the 2009 USC Athletic Hall of Fame class along with Junior Seau, Rodney Peete, and John Robinson.[13] USC’s Cowlings Residential College is named in his honor. [14] Cowlings’ Ford Bronco from the speed chase was purchased by Simpson’s former sports agent Mike Gilbert. As of 2016, the vehicle is on loan to the Alcatraz East Crime Museum where it is on display as part of an exhibit on the O. J. Simpson murder trial.

In 2012, Fox News examined the lives of key individuals in the Simpson case and found that Cowlings was reportedly working as a handbag sales representative; in 2014, an ex-teammate told USA Today that Cowlings worked for B. Wayne Hughes, founder of Public Storage.[15] Six months later, USA Today quoted retired tennis player and friend of Cowlings, Joe Kolkowitz, saying that Cowlings had retired and is still living in Southern California.[16] According to TMZ in 2016, Cowlings had reportedly threatened to sue FX if he were portrayed negatively in the critically acclaimed series The People v. O. J. Simpson: American Crime Story, in which he is portrayed by Malcolm-Jamal Warner.[17]

In March 2018, months after his parole for armed robbery and kidnapping, O. J. Simpson indicated in an interview that he may have Chronic traumatic encephalopathy (CTE), a neurodegenerative disease common in athletes, who have suffered numerous head wounds or concussions, and that close friends and former teammates of his, including Al Cowlings, also struggle with the symptoms of CTE.[18]


September 18, 2018.  About Me, continued.  I would like to know: WHAT’S SO FUNNY?! What’s so laughable about war-torn poverty-stricken highly-exploited Africa?
What is so “hilarious” about mocking God?!

(Mormon Church of Satan’s Book of Mormon musical,


Sometimes it’s easy for lifelong members to forget not everyone grew up a Latter-day Saint. All it takes is a new member, investigator, or non-member friend to remind us that sometimes, we’re speaking a different language.

Get a chuckle out of these common lingo misunderstandings.

What we say: “My brother just went to the MTC today.”

What others think: “The Empty Sea? Where’s that? Nevada?”

What we really mean: “The MTC” = Missionary Training Center, where young members who volunteer to proselyte go to learn. And they would all be thrilled to go to Empty Sea, Nevada, if the Lord called them there!


What we say: “Eight cows? No, no, she’s a ten-cow wife!”

What others think: “You rate your spouse on a scale of cows? Is that an old pioneer tradition or what?”

What we really mean: “Eight cow wife” = a reference to Johnny Lingo, a favorite LDS film short, where everyone is shocked that the rich Johnny Lingo pays eight cows to marry a girl that they wouldn’t give two cows for. It’s all very uplifting; you should watch it!


What we say: “She’s a member of my ward.”

What others think: “Um… wait. Did you escape from a mental asylum?”

What we really mean: Ward = congregation composed of the neighbors and friends who live relatively close to you, and who make some interesting jell-o dishes for ward potlucks.


What we say: “The ward party is at the stake center.”

What others think: “Steak? Sweet! I’ll totally come!”

What we really mean: Stake = regional group of congregations, an area also known as a few square blocks if you live in Utah!


What we say: “We’re going to a fireside tonight. Wanna come?”

What others think: “Will there be s’mores?”

What we really mean: Fireside = an additional sermon taught in the evening. Hopefully with snacks provided.


What we say: “I’m so glad my baby is finally old enough to go to the Nursery!”

What others think: “You have a nursery in your church building? What kind of plants do you grow? Is that part of food storage? And why is your 18-month-old going?”

What we really mean: Nursery = a place where flustered parents can drop off their kids, where they will be watched by other flustered adults.


What we say: “Sorry, I’m so tired. I went to seminary before school.”

What others think: “Whoa. You’re only 15 and you’re already studying to be a pastor?”

What we really mean: Actually…yeah! In a way. Seminary = church study for teenagers, in some areas taught before school (Zzzzzzz!), in other areas taught during school on “released time” away from the high school campus (no skipping, not even if McDonald’s is involved).


What we say:  “The Sunbeams are going to sing in church today.”

What others think: “Is that a metaphor? Like, ‘the hills are alive with the sound of music’?”

What we really mean: Sunbeams = the youngest class for children in a ward. The class many people are initially afraid of teaching, but that proves incredibly fun and rewarding in the end.


What we say: “Remember, guys, tomorrow is Fast Sunday!”

What others think: “Are the meetings shorter or do you do everything more quickly or something?”

What we really mean: Fast Sunday = the first Sunday of the month when we fast (go without eating or drinking) for 24 hours to draw closer to the Lord. This usually results in a very moving testimony meeting.


What we say: “I went and did sealings at the temple yesterday.”

What others think: “I didn’t know you were an architect! Can you fix my ceilings?”

What we really mean: Sealings = proxy marriages for time and all eternity for deceased couples and their children. The only ceiling involved is the one over your head in the sealing room.


What we say: “I need to magnify my calling.”

What others think: “Do you have a special phone with font too small for you to read?”

What we really mean: Magnify = to serve with dedication and view our role at Church as in opportunity to serve God (we all try to do this a little better); Calling = a specific set of responsibilities within the ward (we all try to do these a little better, too).


What we say: “He’s getting the Aaronic Priesthood tomorrow!”

What others think: “What’s ironic about your priesthood?”

What we really mean: Aaronic = a derivation of Aaron, brother of Moses; boys are usually given the Aaronic Priesthood at age 12. Nothing ironic about that!

Comments and feedback can be sent to
(Mormon Church of Satan’s LDS Living,

by | Jul. 17, 2018

Humor Fun

From Knee-fights to lemonites and everywhere in between, these LDS Church puns are so bad-—you might just call them puns of perdition-—that you’ll find yourself chuckling at how hilariously awful they are.

1. What do you call an alligator in a vest? An in-vest-igator!

2. Image title

From Mormon Link

3. King Lamoni thought Ammon was a rather disarming fellow.

4. Image title

Josh Mayberry, Mormon Memes

5. It’s no wonder none of the 2,000 stripling warriors weren’t hurt; they had Heal-a-man as their leader.

6. Image title

From Mormon Memes

7. What is a vampire’s least favorite church meeting? Stake conference.


lds church puns 4


lds church puns 5

Other Fun Biblical Puns

10. Need an ark? I Noah guy.

11. What did Noah say as he was loading creatures on to the ark? Now I herd everything.

12. Did you know that Arkansas is the only state mentioned in the Bible – it says Noah looked out of the “ark … an … saw.”

13. How did Moses drink his tea? He-brews it.

14. Which woman in the Bible was smartest financially? Pharaohs daughter! She went to the bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

(Hilarious Puns, LDS Living,

(Market Watch, September 18, 2018,